This blog is about how hard Im doin it in a bad relationship. I have no intention of offending anyone, or spreading hate or anything, and therefore have kept the identities anonymous. Im only sharing a piece of my life, in my search for reason. I will update this page regularly.
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(1) Im close to goin to jail!!


First off, its christmas day 7:20pm.

I was supposed to spend christmas with my family, but had my son being brought over by his whore of a mother.
Well, the bitch called an hour ago to say she isnt bringing him!!!
His first christmas alive, and I dont get to spend even a few seconds with him!!!
Her reason, is that she's going to bed!!!

Have you any idea what evil is in my head at the moment!!???

Jail for life means nothing to me at the moment!!
But no father at all for my son, is a worse off fate.....
So Im here, lettin my steam out online!!

I love my son with all that I am....
My biggest regret/failure/pain in life has been meeting his fucked up mother!!!

I was raised with NEVER to lay a hand on women embedded in my brain, and to this day, I have lived by that.
But.... more times than I can count, or even care to remember, I have thought about crushing her face in with an axe!!
Picture a women with 5... yes... 5 kids, to 4 different men!!!
NONE of these men want to have anything to do with her, for good reason!!
Only one good fella, who looks after his daughters as well as he can...
Then there was me... I have tried to hold in there, but its like selling your soul to the devil!!
In an instant I would crush her if she were a man!!
But she isnt!!
Im not sure if she even has a beating heart!!

To update you on how hard Im taking this.....
Picture a fella that never bows to anyone, unless its an elder member of his family(respect).
If someone even looks at me in a cunt of a way, Im right at his face tryin to rip his throat out with my teeth!!!
I have walked some dark paths, and I keep all my baskets separate, but dont get me wrong, I can be the most loving person you would ever meet in your life, or I can be......
Not soo nice....

Me and this whore broke up last christmas, then she come and told me she was pregnant.
Im a man, I accept my responsibilities, and I was a little happy picturing a little me runnin around.
But its been down hill ever since....
I used to see her almost everyday, but once she told me she was pregnant, she wouldnt come around for a month at a time!!

Constant arguments over the phone etc.. thats when she wasnt filtering my calls, or had the phone switched off.

Ive spent all this time since then, fighting her, her family, and my OWN family, as they see how she is, and arent happy with it.
I dont really care about what anyone says or thinks really, they miss the big point, that this is my FIRST born son!!
Am I the only one that sees the significance in that!!??

My first born!

I understand the points of view of both families, but they dont see what this bitch does.
They see nothing!!
My family sees nothing as I keep all my baskets separate, her family sees nothing by choice!!
The only people I respect in that family is one of the eldest daughters, and her brother.
They may not like me, as their info is filtered through their bitch sister, but those 2 always show some sort of respect, whether it be a smile or a handshake,which I respect.

The mother tries, but doesnt look like she could even wear a smile on her face, and the ex cop father....
I wish he were my age...... and I'll leave that there!!

Well, she is not answering my calls as I want to go and see my son.

What should I be doing now?

If I go down there, I have no doubt that I will be locked up. I have no doubt that once those mouths start runnin, I can nolonger ignore them, as I usually do.

Being almost 8pm, I have now almost spent Christmas of 2008....


There are places I could be, but none are where I want to be... which is with my son.


For years I have tried to change who I once was, if you know me well, you'll know the anger that has been bred in me...
If you dont know, be happy that you dont.

Ive got this bitch fuckin with my MANA!! (honour/pride/soul etc)
Why would the law punish ME for retribution/retaliation, whatever your choice of word is!!

I wish I could rewind my life, and never have met this bitch!!
I wish I didnt want to go and hurt someone!!
I wish I could just walk away!!
I wish...

Well, thats all I have to say.
End result... Im calmer... Im not going down there... Im never gonna forget this day... Im goin to get wasted with my mates!!

There will be mixed feelings over this, from me being a fool for not smashing her, to me sounding weak.
For not feeling her body crumble as I crush her skull, I consider that as strength.
For saying what I have said.... take it as you may...
then ask me if I care what you think!!

Noone has walked my shoes, and Im glad none are on the path Im takin.
My only sane thought, is that of my son, and how I must make sure I do what I can to make his life easier.

On average, I get to see my son once, maybe twice a month.
He is now 12 weeks, 5 days and 1 hour old as of 8pm today.
Do the math, and you'll see how bad this is.
It'd be better if I took it to court!
But I NEVER want it to go there... Im up against an ex cop(influence) and a fucken whore!!
What chance do I have?

Anyways... Im out!!



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